The Great Evolution (Evilution)

I joke from time to time about how evil I can be. I'm not really, I do it for fun. But I figured since life these days is marked at entertainment I'll start a timeline of "evilotion" (evolution) and also begin with other people I just feel like poking fun at. So here we go - enjoy.


0 years old - My mom really loves my dad. He probably had a huge cock. (If I can remember so vividly he took me to the bathroom many years later and taught me to never ever sit on the toilet bowl again while doing a number one. It was then that I caught a glimpse of the lochness beast with hair. He told me to look up and said "One day your going to have something as big as this" and indeed I did. My life changed forever.) I'm born August 6th of 1978 at 10:30pm. My dad was probably high off his head and my mom was probably mad she didn't have a girl. My dad babysits me and starts smoking weed (or is he selling weed?). Ever had a high when you was a couple months old? I bet you never did. The weed calmed my nerves down from the paranoia of going back inside where I just came from and instilled fat boy genetics to create food mashups most kids never seen when they were a couple months old (who would have ate baby food peas and carrots and while crawling around develop a taste for their cat's hard cat food). My parents continued their ruthless sexcapades and made friends with The Jews, the coke buying, weed smoking lawyers my parents met while my father was engaged in a war of words with his mother in law in the classic case "Nobody Will Baptise My Son", a case that The Jews fought long and hard for 14 years and ultimately lost. 14 years later my mom places me in saturday school with 8 year olds and my fat ass can hardly sit in a elementary school deskchair. I answer every question in class as these pesky young kids have no clue what 10 x 10 really is. I go on to win the Jesus-Oh My Lord-A-Nomics and the famous Jesus with Jeopardy final question "Who moonwalked first over water?". I am now one of Jesus' best friends and we speak every day either on the toilet bowl or when I'm in the drive through at McDonalds. Pass the pringles and cheap wine!


1 years old - My mom creates a hairstyle on me that symbolizes my first couple of years. In retrospect of bands like The Beatles and The Monkees , she gives me the BOB haircut. The problem is I end up looking like a cute little girl instead of a ruggedly handsome powder fresh little boy but it gets worst. Infectious women all over Brooklyn NY take my look the wrong way and compliment me as a cute girl. Strangers till this day still come up to me across the USA. One person caught up with me recently as I was shopping for some fudge pops in the frozen food section of a local supermarket and told me :


"Hey , I thought you was a damn girl, thanks for ruining my bet I had that night at the pizza parlor when I was so stoned I thought I shit my pants and thats when I took one look at you and I swore up and down you was a baby girl. I then proceeded to vomit up all the pizza I ate and came out the bathroom with my friends making fun of me. I turned the joke on you Mr. Fake Baby Girl and turned you into the laughing stock of my friends that night when we took guesses of what gender you really were. Now I lost the bet years later and have to have a red assed baboon fuck me in my ass while I eat a box of Goobers and Ho Ho's you fucking prick."


Many years later I see my mom ridiculed me . I see the err now. Television is a mainstay and still so is the weed. My mom can't have my dad watch me anymore because of my dependency on the weed so she begins the search for The Raiders Of The Lost Babysitter. My mom later sues Steven Spielberg as she copywrites the name and wins in a hardfought battle many years later having some of the best Jewish lawyers on this side of town, all depending what town you live in. She tells relatives and friends to please be sworn to secrecy and to never tell the Jews that I'm not circumsized (doing so would have sent me to death). In a scene straight out of a Anne Frank novel one day my dad while drug trafficking hides a brick of cocaine in my pamper while he brings some of the Jews over to the house to discuss their Hollywood takeover. I walk smack in the middle of the living room and BOOM down goes my pamper. Theres no air conditioner back then so we have 3 fans circulating on high. The coke then blows on everybodies faces including mine. The Jews laugh so hard they mistaked my extra skin for the head of my penis which my father described to them as the largest mushroom head ever on a baby child. (The Jews while laughing hysterically nickname me the Mushroom King because to them my cock and my haircut both resembled a mushroom. The Jews quickly place a trademark on the name Mushroom and subsequently due to me I changed the world forever.) I pass out a little while later while laughing up a storm next to my cats water dish and in a state of euphoria watch my cat sing the "Meow, Meow" song to me. He then proceeds to take a whiff of the remaining coke thats on my ass and jumps out my first floor window breaking his hind leg. Years later we regretfully wished we would have sold him to the chinese food restaurant around the corner for some spare rib tips for the whole month. The next 3 years will be the hardest for both me and my parents as I go through "The Great Constipation".

2 years old - The only thing that keeps growing on me is my big eyes, my even bigger lips and my mound of hair. Maybe its the direct influence of marijuana but who knows. My parents do know that all of a sudden me walking around on tippy toes is not something I'm just copying watching Michael Jackson at the Grammy awards. Yep, I'm constipated and its the worst thing thats happened since I started shitting in my mothers stomach when I was only a baby waiting to come out. I think it was all the new food, pizza, chinese food and all those animal crackers. My toes start hurting, this is no good. To take in my relaxation before the real world begins I binge on television, something that eased my mind. Watching late night porn on cable channel WHT is one of my fondest memories. I grew more fond of the early morning programming which consisted of back to back episodes of Sesame Street, Mister Rodgers and Reading Rainbow. My mom teaches me if I want to watch television I have to do one thing that nobody in this world does and thats actually read the TV guide. I oblige and ask in return,

"fly....."
"food....."
"cracker....."

my mom doesn't hesitate and places childrens tylenol in my mouth thus knocking me out. When I awake, she's asleep and around me lies 3 issues of TV Guide. I owe my mother thousands of dollars for the useless information she has bestowed upon me with gratitude. In the back of my mind I know things are going to get harder soon. Real life is going to happen. They keep mentioning something about "I can't wait till he goes to school". If school is anything like the port-o-potty they place in the middle of the living room while they watch Family Feud and watch me try to squeeze out one shit bubble then I'm definately not going to like it. In 2 minutes flat like that I make up my mind. If I have to force anything to come out of me that doesn't then I don't need to do it in the first place. True genius was achieved at 2 years old one of my finer moments in life. Maybe it was all the marijuana around me. Maybe it was that I could understand the stupidity of PBS's programming schedule. Something clicked. Years later a smart 2 year old gets portrayed on a sitcom called Family Guy. I might have had a big head but I never sounded like that. That makes me angry. You don't want to see me on my tippy toes and angry.

3 years old - Albeit by far one of the worst excruciating years of "The Great Constipation". Year 3 chronicled my mom and dad both yelling at me to "Push it out!". What became of regular primetime Television programming I do not know. I do know that the chair beckoned for me on daily night rituals. One night like magic something hit me. This overwhelming feeling was like fire rapidly spreading through my brain. I figured out if I could hold on to something like I was hanging for dear life on a cliff maybe I could take a shit. Scientifically either 2 things would happen - my face turning red and my face exploding or I fall with the ground breaking my fall. I had to place this plan into effect. In a state of disgrace the pamper which held all my overflowing juices had come off now. Days had passed since my last bowel movement. My parents looked at me as if they were awaiting a package. In my bare nakedness I did not feel comfortable. In a daring attempt I ran into the kitchen and grabbed onto the first thing that was much much bigger than me, I grabbed onto the edge of the stove. My parents preoccupied with watching Family Feud did not see me. There I was alone feeling the heat from the stove from which my mom had cooked the meal for dinner and the bowels happened. The jetline pack of air that came out after my first shit bubble catapulted me on top of the refridgerator next to the cereal box of Cheerios. A scientific discovery my ass, or was it? The pain of what was in my diet made all the factors beneficial off each other. Cheese pizza, chinese food, animal crackers, grill cheeses with extra cheeses. When I finally came to I was laying in bed. My face felt hot. I awoke to loud conversation coming from the living room. Turns out the police showed up to our door thinking there was a bomb that went off. Then I walked into the room, little blood vessels broken in my eyes, face still red, walking bow legged into the middle of the living room and then passing out.

4 years old - In the last year of the publicized battle of "The Great Constipation", things went rather smoothly so to speak. My stomach readjusted right along with my face back to normal (I might have been a corn off the cob cute kid but being constipated made my face very wacky) and to this day I owe much of my constipation to my animated faces.